| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid Disorder: | Moderate |
| Schizoid Disorder: | Moderate |
| Schizotypal Disorder: | High |
| Antisocial Disorder: | Moderate |
| Borderline Disorder: | Very High |
| Histrionic Disorder: | Low |
| Narcissistic Disorder: | Low |
| Avoidant Disorder: | High |
| Dependent Disorder: | Very High |
| Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: | Low |
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders -- | |
February 21, 2009
Heh... I coulda told you all this!
February 20, 2009
Should've
I should have put my fear aside
I should have jumped when I had the chance
I should have proven to myself, and others
I loved you then
I wish you well
I love you still
I bid you farewell
~Springtyme
2.20.09
I should have jumped when I had the chance
I should have proven to myself, and others
I loved you then
I wish you well
I love you still
I bid you farewell
~Springtyme
2.20.09
February 15, 2009
I don't feel
I don't feel like being awake
I don't feel like sleeping
I don't feel like drinking
I don't feel like eating
I don't feel like watching tv
I don't feel like listening to music
I don't feel like sitting here in silence
I don't feel like being around other people
I don't feel like talking to anyone
I don't feel like being alone
I don't feel like crying anymore
I don't feel like wiping my nose anymore
I don't feel like shaking with fear anymore
I don't feel like shaking with grief anymore
I don't feel like writing anymore of this
I don't feel like anything
I
My dad got diagnosed with MRSA. He's supposed to go to the hospital to get treatment.
MRSA can be deadly if not treated/if not treated early enough.
I want to drive down there and slap the shit out of him, then drag him to the hospital for treatment.
I don't feel like sleeping
I don't feel like drinking
I don't feel like eating
I don't feel like watching tv
I don't feel like listening to music
I don't feel like sitting here in silence
I don't feel like being around other people
I don't feel like talking to anyone
I don't feel like being alone
I don't feel like crying anymore
I don't feel like wiping my nose anymore
I don't feel like shaking with fear anymore
I don't feel like shaking with grief anymore
I don't feel like writing anymore of this
I don't feel like anything
I
don't
feel
My dad got diagnosed with MRSA. He's supposed to go to the hospital to get treatment.
He told me he didn't think he was going to because he couldn't afford to miss work.
MRSA can be deadly if not treated/if not treated early enough.
I want to drive down there and slap the shit out of him, then drag him to the hospital for treatment.
I have class, I can't miss it, it's too late to drop classes without taking a 0 for the course.
MRSA is highly contagious, especially to people who have suppressed immune systems.Such as Multiple Sclerosis, HIV/AIDS, Meningitis, the list goes on...
I've lost so many people in my life, right now I'm feeling like I'm losing my father. I was planning on going down to visit him when I get Spring Break, but I can't take the chance of contracting this too.
God forbid I ever get married, who the fuck is going to walk me down the isle?
My dad is so far away, there's no way I'd know if anything happened to him. I know no one down there and no one down there knows me or would even have the slightest idea how to contact me. I'm pretty sure my father didn't use his 25 year old daughter as his emergency contact.
I'm sorry, I'm stressing.
God forbid I ever get married, who the fuck is going to walk me down the isle?
My dad is so far away, there's no way I'd know if anything happened to him. I know no one down there and no one down there knows me or would even have the slightest idea how to contact me. I'm pretty sure my father didn't use his 25 year old daughter as his emergency contact.
I'm sorry, I'm stressing.
February 4, 2009
Having a hard time...
I'm writing this while I sit here with tears in my eyes...
I spent 45 minutes on the phone with my brother Jon's best friend Phil. I used to want to hunt him down and beat his ass... not kill him, just maim him a little... but I'm over that now. I had looked him up to talk to him. I didn't know if he even knew that Jon had passed. I found his mom's phone number, didn't know if he was still living there but I took the chance and called it yesterday, left a message on the answering machine. Tonight I get a phone call from a number I don't recognize, but yet I answer it anyway.... and it's Phil.
He was the only other person who shared as strong of a bond with Jon as I did. The pain between our two voices talking about him was so thick it couldn't be cut with a knife. Come to find out that he still has some cassette tapes left of things that him and my brother recorded. I said I would love to hear them, so we set up a tentative time to get together this Saturday.
I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little nervous to go over to his place. I'm not sure what to expect, but if it's decorated anything like my brothers apartments were, I'll probably shed a few tears.
I miss my brother so much. Every time I pick up his guitar to learn some more it stings. Every time I play it, I always stop for a minute or two and just run my hand along the guitar, trace the outline of his drawings and bask in the scent of the wood of the guitar and the leftover patchouli oil on his guitar strap.
I hate to sound needy, I feel like I've sounded like this a lot lately, I could just really use some friend support tonight, because when things like this happen and memories come up in my mind, it really makes me want to do something so I can see/touch/hug my brother again, tell him how much I love him and how much I've missed him, and listen to him play guitar for me again. And each time I get like this, it seems like a better and better choice.
I spent 45 minutes on the phone with my brother Jon's best friend Phil. I used to want to hunt him down and beat his ass... not kill him, just maim him a little... but I'm over that now. I had looked him up to talk to him. I didn't know if he even knew that Jon had passed. I found his mom's phone number, didn't know if he was still living there but I took the chance and called it yesterday, left a message on the answering machine. Tonight I get a phone call from a number I don't recognize, but yet I answer it anyway.... and it's Phil.
He was the only other person who shared as strong of a bond with Jon as I did. The pain between our two voices talking about him was so thick it couldn't be cut with a knife. Come to find out that he still has some cassette tapes left of things that him and my brother recorded. I said I would love to hear them, so we set up a tentative time to get together this Saturday.
I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little nervous to go over to his place. I'm not sure what to expect, but if it's decorated anything like my brothers apartments were, I'll probably shed a few tears.
I miss my brother so much. Every time I pick up his guitar to learn some more it stings. Every time I play it, I always stop for a minute or two and just run my hand along the guitar, trace the outline of his drawings and bask in the scent of the wood of the guitar and the leftover patchouli oil on his guitar strap.
I hate to sound needy, I feel like I've sounded like this a lot lately, I could just really use some friend support tonight, because when things like this happen and memories come up in my mind, it really makes me want to do something so I can see/touch/hug my brother again, tell him how much I love him and how much I've missed him, and listen to him play guitar for me again. And each time I get like this, it seems like a better and better choice.
February 3, 2009
Sam Ash
As I said in my bulletin the other day, I'm slowly teaching myself to play the guitar. I have a few chords down, and I'm not giving up any time soon! Anyway, I went to the local Sam Ash today to get new strings for it. It's been so long since I bought strings for it, and last time I asked my bro which ones to get (he was in jail at the time). I didn't know which ones to get so I took my guitar in with me in hopes that someone could give me some good advice on it. The guy at the front counter asked me what I was bringing my guitar in for, I told him "I need strings, and I'm not that great at stringing it myself, so I was hoping someone could help me with that too." He kinda brushed me off with saying "Well, we do stringing here, but it's $30 and takes about 2 weeks, so you're better off doing it yourself." I'm thinking 'how in the fuck does it take 2 weeks to string a guitar? You can't tell me they get THAT many guitars in to string...' but since I know how to do it myself, I said it wasn't a problem. He told me how to get back to their guitar area, so I went back and there were 2 guys back there. They asked what I was there for and I told them I needed strings but wasn't sure which kind would be best.
The one guy (who's name is Matt) asked me to see my guitar, then got me a set of Martin light strings. In our conversation he asked me how I didn't know what kind of strings I needed, as he could tell that the guitar wasn't new. I explained it had been my brothers guitar, but that my brother passed before he could teach me how to play so I've been trying to teach myself. I'm not sure if he felt sympathy for me or empathy, but he got a little soft and said "alright, well come back here and I'll show you a few things."
I gladly agreed, thinking he meant he was going to show me a few chords or something. We went into their 'work' room (I guess you could call it that) and he had me pull out my guitar again. He then unstrung it, used a brillo pad to get all the grime off the fret board, then used wood conditioner on the fret board and bridge, then re-strung it and tuned it (and only charged me the $6 for the strings!). He sat there and played it for a little bit, and it was hard to fight back the tears. Hearing any type of acoustic music is hard for me, but seeing it played on my brothers guitar is especially hard. Only one other person has played my brothers guitar besides me since I had it, and that time I did shed some tears.
I was there for a good 1/2 hour - 45 minutes. We were making small talk about all types of things. He told me how he had been to about 15 Grateful Dead concerts and I told him how jealous I was, lol. I wanted to ask him while I was there if he could help me out and maybe give me a few guitar lessons, but I didn't have the courage. What can I say, sometimes I'm a bit too shy for my own good. After I left there though I was really thinking about it, and somehow I summoned the courage to call back and ask for him.
I said "I have a question, which may come across as strange or rude, or but I was just wondering if there's anyway you might be able to help me learn how to play guitar?" He was PERFECTLY fine with me asking this and agreed to help. We exchanged phone numbers and he told me his availability. He also told me that he hosts an Open Mic every Thursday at the Whitpain Tavern. In doing a search online, I found out he plays guitar in a band called Ten Feet Tall and the whole band plays every Thursday at the Whitpain. I'm planning on going out this Thursday to see them.
I just can't begin to tell you all how incredibly happy I am about all this. I've had other people try to help me learn, but at the time I just wasn't ready to yet. I mean I wanted to, but the wound of my brother passing was still a little too fresh. Does it still sting a little bit everytime I pick up his guitar? Absolutely, but it's gotten a little easier. Almost 4 years later and I can finally put my mind, heart, and soul into this. I've got down 3 chords, almost 4, but even after I learn the chords I'd have no idea how to turn them into music, and I'm hoping once I get the chords down, this is one of the things that Matt will be able to help me with.
Normally, I would have no problem going to a "school" and taking guitar lessons. However, learning how to play guitar has a deeper meaning to me other than just being able to play. I don't want to learn from just anyone, I want the person teaching me to understand what it means to me, and why it means so much.I feel that this guy does.
The one guy (who's name is Matt) asked me to see my guitar, then got me a set of Martin light strings. In our conversation he asked me how I didn't know what kind of strings I needed, as he could tell that the guitar wasn't new. I explained it had been my brothers guitar, but that my brother passed before he could teach me how to play so I've been trying to teach myself. I'm not sure if he felt sympathy for me or empathy, but he got a little soft and said "alright, well come back here and I'll show you a few things."
I gladly agreed, thinking he meant he was going to show me a few chords or something. We went into their 'work' room (I guess you could call it that) and he had me pull out my guitar again. He then unstrung it, used a brillo pad to get all the grime off the fret board, then used wood conditioner on the fret board and bridge, then re-strung it and tuned it (and only charged me the $6 for the strings!). He sat there and played it for a little bit, and it was hard to fight back the tears. Hearing any type of acoustic music is hard for me, but seeing it played on my brothers guitar is especially hard. Only one other person has played my brothers guitar besides me since I had it, and that time I did shed some tears.
I was there for a good 1/2 hour - 45 minutes. We were making small talk about all types of things. He told me how he had been to about 15 Grateful Dead concerts and I told him how jealous I was, lol. I wanted to ask him while I was there if he could help me out and maybe give me a few guitar lessons, but I didn't have the courage. What can I say, sometimes I'm a bit too shy for my own good. After I left there though I was really thinking about it, and somehow I summoned the courage to call back and ask for him.
I said "I have a question, which may come across as strange or rude, or but I was just wondering if there's anyway you might be able to help me learn how to play guitar?" He was PERFECTLY fine with me asking this and agreed to help. We exchanged phone numbers and he told me his availability. He also told me that he hosts an Open Mic every Thursday at the Whitpain Tavern. In doing a search online, I found out he plays guitar in a band called Ten Feet Tall and the whole band plays every Thursday at the Whitpain. I'm planning on going out this Thursday to see them.
I just can't begin to tell you all how incredibly happy I am about all this. I've had other people try to help me learn, but at the time I just wasn't ready to yet. I mean I wanted to, but the wound of my brother passing was still a little too fresh. Does it still sting a little bit everytime I pick up his guitar? Absolutely, but it's gotten a little easier. Almost 4 years later and I can finally put my mind, heart, and soul into this. I've got down 3 chords, almost 4, but even after I learn the chords I'd have no idea how to turn them into music, and I'm hoping once I get the chords down, this is one of the things that Matt will be able to help me with.
Normally, I would have no problem going to a "school" and taking guitar lessons. However, learning how to play guitar has a deeper meaning to me other than just being able to play. I don't want to learn from just anyone, I want the person teaching me to understand what it means to me, and why it means so much.I feel that this guy does.
Music, because of its specific and far-reaching metaphorical powers, can name the unnamable and communicate the unknowable.
Where words fail, music speaks. Music must serve a purpose; it must be a part of something larger than itself, a part of humanity...
Chapter 60
Chapter 60
Living my life by the mile markerEvery one taking me farther from you
Watching as the sky grows darker
Wishing that you only knew
Anything I could have asked for
Anything I could have dreamed
All hit me the moment you opened the door
I'm still not sure what it all means
(chorus)
Don't walk away
Don't throw me out
Don't shut down on me now
We've only just begun
You called it fate and I shook my head
Serendipity can't be real, right?
I was charmed with all that you said
Almost as if you had turned on my light
Keep thinking I dont deserve all this
You keep insisting that I do
Everything I left behind, I don't miss
Can't help but think of starting over with you
(chorus)
Don't walk away
Don't throw me out
Don't shut down on me now
We've only just begun
Pulled away from you too soon
I wasnt ready to say my goodbyes
So sick of driving by the light of the moon
Wish I was still in your arms and looking in your eyes
The eight hour drive
The anticipation in the air
I have never felt so alive
I never knew someone could care
(chorus)
Don't walk away
Don't throw me out
Don't shut down on me now
We've only just begun
(bridge)
Wishing you weren't so far
Wishing you weren't so far away
Wishing you weren't so far away from me
Wishing Chapter 60 was closer
Than 60 years away
(chorus)
Don't walk away
Don't throw me out
Don't shut down on me now
We've only just begun
Only just begun
Only...
Just....
(fade out)
~Springtyme
February 9th, 2008
Chapter 61
Chapter 61
I never thought
And never wanted
To feel as if I've lost your friendship
You were a major influence on my life
The connection I felt with you
Was the strongest I've ever felt
It feels as if part of me is missing
And that part of me is your friendship
Your insight, your humor, your laughter, your stories
Your happiness is the utmost importance to me
Though I do STILL wish that it was happiness with me
I feel as if I've lost all chances, and there's no one to blame but me
I'm so glad that you're finally happy
You deserve it the most out of everyone I know
And it makes me smile to know that you finally are
The next chapter wasn't supposed to be yet
There should still be 40 more years
Can we turn back the page?
I want to go back to Chapter 60
More broken headboards, back flips
Hoodies, polar bears, and foot gloves
My feelings towards you have not changed
And I don't see them changing at all
At the least, this has been a wake up call for me
I know that I can't have all of you
I realize that it hasn't been an option
All I ask is for enough of you, as your friend
I know that really, we are still friends
I would never take that 'title' away
But I feel as if we've drifted apart
And that kills me
~Springtyme
Learned
Learned
So much for our friendship
The one I thought we had
You walked away and left me here
And expect me to be glad
The things we shared
Throughout our time
They meant a lot to me
They clearly meant
Nothing to you
Now I finally see
(Chorus)
I've learned not to trust you
I wish I didn't care
You expect me to move on in life
I expected you there
Part of me is missing
That part of me is you
You avoid my calls and messages
I'll never get back through
The bond we had
It shattered and broke
Just like my hopes
Just like my heart
There it lays bleeding
And you walk right on by
(Chorus)
I've learned not to trust you
I wish I didn't care
You expect me to move on in life
I expected you there
You woke me from my slumber
Where I thought everyone was true
You lied to my face
You lied to our friends
And I always believed
I stuck up for you
When others doubted
I comforted you from pain
You shattered me
And all I have to say…
(Bridge)
I won't be here when you come back
When you see what you have done
I don't need the sting of this
And I won't do it again
(Chorus)
I've learned not to trust you
I wish I didn't care
You expect me to move on in life
I thought that you'd be there
~Springtyme
The end could be closer than you think
Or could be closer than you expected and hoped... The Avonex that my neurologist put me on for the MS isn't working, and he is now planning on switching me over to Tysabri. It is the *BEST* medicine that they have out there right now for MS, the problem being that it is also the most dangerous. It has claimed countless number of lives, as somewhere in the treatment there is something that also triggers Progressive Multifocal Leukoencephalopathy (PML) in patients. PML is common for people who have AIDS. According to the National Institute of Neruological Disorders and Stroke, as many as 5% of people living with AIDS develop PML. The mortality rates for those with HIV-PML are around 50% according to most reports.
However, the report goes on to read: For non-AIDS individuals with PML, the prognosis remains grim; the disease usually lasts for months and 80 percent die within the first 6 months.
Yes, there are other choices for medications, but only 3 more besides the Tysabri. The issue is that the other medications are just like the Avonex in terms of how effective they are in treatment, and the side effects which is why my neuro doesn't want to switch me to one of those, as they are all extremely similar. The other plus side to the Tysabri is that it's a once a month infusion via IV. No more daily/every other day/weekly shots to worry about... And no more having to worry about feeling like shit for 1-4 days a week from my MS treatment.
Now none of this is to say that I will definitely end up with PML, and of course I pray to God that I don't, but to be completely honest, I am a little bit scared. I mean... come on, I'm only 25! I've always joked around that I don't want to live to be old because I don't want to be a menace on the road, or annoying at the store, or anything like that, but that was only in joking. I've posted bulletins before along the lines of "If I were to die tomorrow, what would you say to me?" and while I had pondered what I would do if I were to die tomorrow, I never really thought of it as a possibility so I never put SERIOUS thought into it. I've had a lot of things going through my head since my appointment this morning and I'm trying to straighten them all out. I'll be posting another blog, or possibly sending out e-mails to say the things to people that I've wanted to say but was too scared for whatever reason (either too afraid to hurt someone, too afraid that person would be mad at me, too afraid to speak the truth, etc.)
I'm sure there are people out there that wouldn't agree with me going through with this and putting trust in my doctor. Hell, even I don't trust doctors most of the time, however, I'm looking at it like this:
If I'm supposed to live until I'm 90+, then I'll live until I'm 90+ whether I'm on this medication or not.
If I'm supposed to die when I'm 32, then I'll die when I'm 32 whether I'm on this medication or not.
The Tysabri is 50% more effective than the other treatments for MS, so if I can stop having the symptoms I'm dealing with on a practically daily basis and slow the rate at which new lesions are appearing on my brain and spinal cord, then I'm going to do it. I will take my chances and live my life, because at the end of the day, my life is all I have to look back on.
However, the report goes on to read: For non-AIDS individuals with PML, the prognosis remains grim; the disease usually lasts for months and 80 percent die within the first 6 months.
Yes, there are other choices for medications, but only 3 more besides the Tysabri. The issue is that the other medications are just like the Avonex in terms of how effective they are in treatment, and the side effects which is why my neuro doesn't want to switch me to one of those, as they are all extremely similar. The other plus side to the Tysabri is that it's a once a month infusion via IV. No more daily/every other day/weekly shots to worry about... And no more having to worry about feeling like shit for 1-4 days a week from my MS treatment.
Now none of this is to say that I will definitely end up with PML, and of course I pray to God that I don't, but to be completely honest, I am a little bit scared. I mean... come on, I'm only 25! I've always joked around that I don't want to live to be old because I don't want to be a menace on the road, or annoying at the store, or anything like that, but that was only in joking. I've posted bulletins before along the lines of "If I were to die tomorrow, what would you say to me?" and while I had pondered what I would do if I were to die tomorrow, I never really thought of it as a possibility so I never put SERIOUS thought into it. I've had a lot of things going through my head since my appointment this morning and I'm trying to straighten them all out. I'll be posting another blog, or possibly sending out e-mails to say the things to people that I've wanted to say but was too scared for whatever reason (either too afraid to hurt someone, too afraid that person would be mad at me, too afraid to speak the truth, etc.)
I'm sure there are people out there that wouldn't agree with me going through with this and putting trust in my doctor. Hell, even I don't trust doctors most of the time, however, I'm looking at it like this:
If I'm supposed to live until I'm 90+, then I'll live until I'm 90+ whether I'm on this medication or not.
If I'm supposed to die when I'm 32, then I'll die when I'm 32 whether I'm on this medication or not.
The Tysabri is 50% more effective than the other treatments for MS, so if I can stop having the symptoms I'm dealing with on a practically daily basis and slow the rate at which new lesions are appearing on my brain and spinal cord, then I'm going to do it. I will take my chances and live my life, because at the end of the day, my life is all I have to look back on.
Life Changes/Adjustments
I lost a friend a few months back that meant a lot to me. I considered him one of my best friends. I could talk to him about ANYTHING. He always had the best advice for me, and he was always there for me. In turn, I hope that he felt he could talk to me about anything, and while I wasn't usually able to give him advice (or at least not helpful advice) I was always there for him.
I probably shouldn't call it "lost a friend" because he's still there, just wrapped up in his own life, which is a good thing because it's finally going well for him. However, in this turmoil I have been asked not to contact him, with good reason. It has been killing me a little bit each day to not be able to talk to someone I used to be so close with. I shared things with him that no one else in this world knows. He was able to tell me what I was thinking, even when we were hundreds of miles apart and just talking on the phone. When I was in the hospital, he was the only one of my friends who contacted me to see what was going on and how I was feeling.
This time of year is rough for him because of personal reasons. A day hasn't passed that I've sent out a thought and a prayer for him and his family. It hurts that I can't pick up the phone and call or text him just to let him know that I'm thinking about him.
I've had a lot of things that I've needed to adjust to over the past 6 months, the biggest one being coping with the fact that I have a chronic disease and now really not knowing what the future holds for me, or how long my future will be. I've adjusted to most of the things as best as I can, but for some reason I'm having such a hard time processing this.
I don't know if he's going to read this, but if he does, I just want you to know that I do still care about you. About how you're doing, how thing's are going for you, how your daughters and your father are, how the job/job hunt is going, and things like that. Do I miss the long in depth talks we used to have about everything under the sun? Absolutely, but I understand your situation and I wouldn't even attempt the thought of having talks like that right now. I hope the day comes that we can talk again. God forbid that it doesn't, I hope you have some understanding of how much I cherish the times we had together, be it physically, over the phone or virtually.
The song that I wrote for/about him is getting put to music. It sounds amazing... Once I have an .mp3 copy of it, I'll be posting it on my page for all to hear.
JT - Just know that I miss you. I miss our friendship, and I hope that one day, it comes back.
I probably shouldn't call it "lost a friend" because he's still there, just wrapped up in his own life, which is a good thing because it's finally going well for him. However, in this turmoil I have been asked not to contact him, with good reason. It has been killing me a little bit each day to not be able to talk to someone I used to be so close with. I shared things with him that no one else in this world knows. He was able to tell me what I was thinking, even when we were hundreds of miles apart and just talking on the phone. When I was in the hospital, he was the only one of my friends who contacted me to see what was going on and how I was feeling.
This time of year is rough for him because of personal reasons. A day hasn't passed that I've sent out a thought and a prayer for him and his family. It hurts that I can't pick up the phone and call or text him just to let him know that I'm thinking about him.
I've had a lot of things that I've needed to adjust to over the past 6 months, the biggest one being coping with the fact that I have a chronic disease and now really not knowing what the future holds for me, or how long my future will be. I've adjusted to most of the things as best as I can, but for some reason I'm having such a hard time processing this.
I don't know if he's going to read this, but if he does, I just want you to know that I do still care about you. About how you're doing, how thing's are going for you, how your daughters and your father are, how the job/job hunt is going, and things like that. Do I miss the long in depth talks we used to have about everything under the sun? Absolutely, but I understand your situation and I wouldn't even attempt the thought of having talks like that right now. I hope the day comes that we can talk again. God forbid that it doesn't, I hope you have some understanding of how much I cherish the times we had together, be it physically, over the phone or virtually.
The song that I wrote for/about him is getting put to music. It sounds amazing... Once I have an .mp3 copy of it, I'll be posting it on my page for all to hear.
JT - Just know that I miss you. I miss our friendship, and I hope that one day, it comes back.
Missing your chance in life
How many times in life have you sat there and thought 'man I missed (insert opportunity here)! How could I have been so stupid?' And this could go for anything, job opportunities, school opportunities, relationships, etc.
I've had my fair share of those in my life, but none of them have affected me as much as this one is. If I don't think about it for very long, if it or the person involved is just passing through my mind or if I remember a memory I shared with that person, I'm ok. However, when I sit there and replay things in my mind, it gets me all worked up to the point that I almost feel as if I want to cry.
I am not a *VERY* daring person in life, but I do take a lot of stupid chances. I guess in a way this is my wakeup call: Stop taking stupid chances and take a chance for once in your life that will actually MATTER.
I know this feeling will pass (time does heal all wounds after all...) I just hate feeling that I'm pretty damn sure that I missed out on one of the most amazing things that could have happened to me.
I'm happy for the time that I did have, I just wish there could be more.
I've had my fair share of those in my life, but none of them have affected me as much as this one is. If I don't think about it for very long, if it or the person involved is just passing through my mind or if I remember a memory I shared with that person, I'm ok. However, when I sit there and replay things in my mind, it gets me all worked up to the point that I almost feel as if I want to cry.
I am not a *VERY* daring person in life, but I do take a lot of stupid chances. I guess in a way this is my wakeup call: Stop taking stupid chances and take a chance for once in your life that will actually MATTER.
I know this feeling will pass (time does heal all wounds after all...) I just hate feeling that I'm pretty damn sure that I missed out on one of the most amazing things that could have happened to me.
I'm happy for the time that I did have, I just wish there could be more.
Fuck You, Society!
As I was standing at the sink today doing dishes I caught myself sucking my stomach in. I then thought to myself "What the fuck am I doing? I'm home alone and even if I wasn't, this is me!"
The majority of my female friends (and some of my male friends as well) are on the larger side of life, or had been big at some point in their life. Why do we allow society to bitch-slap us into submission and make us think that we need to be skinny to be pretty? Most of the time, I think I'm very attractive. I wouldn't say hot, but I know there are guys out there that think I am (at least I hope so!). I have all the right curves in all the right places. While I wish my stomach was maybe a little flatter, I don't think it's disgusting or outrageous by any means. On the same note, I know there are guys out there that would be appalled by the way that I look and thats ok, because that's their thing.
I was even on a date once and I asked the guy I was out with what he thought. His exact response (which has forever been ingrained into my memory no matter how much I try to forget it) was "Your face is beautiful, I really like it. Your body...... not so much." It didn't stop him, however, from attempting to make out with me and touch/suck on my boobs. Notice I said attempt because after that comment, I wanted nothing more to do with him and just wanted to go home. Though, as hurt as I was by his comment I respected him for being honest with me (but that respect was thrown out the window when he tried to molest me after just telling me he didn't like my body).
You need to be happy with yourself and your body, no matter what. It's the only one you got. You can be happy and in love with yourself and still work on yourself for self-improvement. Just make sure that while you're at the gym or running that 5k that you're doing it to better yourself and your health, and not doing it to conform to scociety's false impression of beauty.
All of you, all my friends, are beautiful in your own way. That is what makes us unique, and that is why I love you all.
The majority of my female friends (and some of my male friends as well) are on the larger side of life, or had been big at some point in their life. Why do we allow society to bitch-slap us into submission and make us think that we need to be skinny to be pretty? Most of the time, I think I'm very attractive. I wouldn't say hot, but I know there are guys out there that think I am (at least I hope so!). I have all the right curves in all the right places. While I wish my stomach was maybe a little flatter, I don't think it's disgusting or outrageous by any means. On the same note, I know there are guys out there that would be appalled by the way that I look and thats ok, because that's their thing.
I was even on a date once and I asked the guy I was out with what he thought. His exact response (which has forever been ingrained into my memory no matter how much I try to forget it) was "Your face is beautiful, I really like it. Your body...... not so much." It didn't stop him, however, from attempting to make out with me and touch/suck on my boobs. Notice I said attempt because after that comment, I wanted nothing more to do with him and just wanted to go home. Though, as hurt as I was by his comment I respected him for being honest with me (but that respect was thrown out the window when he tried to molest me after just telling me he didn't like my body).
You need to be happy with yourself and your body, no matter what. It's the only one you got. You can be happy and in love with yourself and still work on yourself for self-improvement. Just make sure that while you're at the gym or running that 5k that you're doing it to better yourself and your health, and not doing it to conform to scociety's false impression of beauty.
All of you, all my friends, are beautiful in your own way. That is what makes us unique, and that is why I love you all.
Foot Glove Blues (In G)
Woke up yesterday morning
(da da da dum)
My feet, they were cold!
(da da da dum)
Went over to my dresser
(da da da dum)
Couldn't BELIEVE what I saw!
(da da da dum)
My socks were all a-missin
(da da da dum)
No idea where they went!
(da da da dum)
Now I am a stressin
(da da da dum)
I have nothin to wear!
I got the foooooooooooooot glove blues!
Some people, they laugh.
(da da da dum)
And some people, they stare.
(da da da dum)
It don't bother me no-how
(da da da dum)
They're what I like to wear!
Ohhhhh fooooooooooot glove bluuuuues!
I looked in the hamper
(da da da dum)
Didn't see 'em there.
(da da da dum)
Checked under my bed
(da da da dum)
Nothin there but shoes!
Oh how could I lose them
My keeping warm, keepin cozy, snugglin up to my toes-ys
Now I sit here barefoot singing the blues!
I got the fooooooooooot glove bluuuuuues!
Oooooohhhhhh the foot glove blues!
You laughed, now me & Kerry are gonna be rich! HA!
I remember...
I remember
- When friends were inseparable
- When friends were irreplaceable
- When a phone call or email or some type of contact was daily
- When friendships weren't so fuckin one sided
- When I didn't care how I looked and was happy as I was
- When I used to write – a lot
- When one job for 20 hours a week at 9 bucks an hour was enough
- When people actually made good music
- When my friends didn't make me feel like shit
- When they actually gave a damn.
- When Britney ruled the world. Lol
- When surveys werent the only way I was updated on your life.
- When best friend had a meaning
- When two jobs wasn't even a thought in my head
- When people said "name a time and place and I'll be there" - and they showed up when you did that
- When people meant everything they said
- When people didnt change for anyone. Or anything. Ever.
- When I could sleep all day. Now I am just fucking exhausted. Every second of every day
- When I was social. Now I say "Yeah I dont feel like being sociable today." and avoid people.
I don't remember… how this all started
And I don't know how to fix it.
So fuck you. I give up.
**Blog Written by Kerry - Just stolen cause it's so true, and I feel the same**
Life Wasted
If I asked you "What was the proudest moment in your life?" or "What's your most prized possession?" the majority (if not all) of you would have an answer. How about "What's the best thing that happened in your life so far?" Me? Well, I'm feeling pretty insignificant right now.
My proudest moment would be graduating college, but how many people do that? My most prized possession would be my dog, but does that even count? The best thing that happened in my life? The reality slap I got a few years back that set me back on course from the seemingly never-ending downward spiral I was skiing.
I'm glad my life is going well, this is the happiest and most content I've felt since I was a teenager, but now it's time to start doing more things. This refrigerator box that I've been living in needs to burn. The bridges with people I know that lead no-where need to burn. It's time to broaden my horizons and see what else is out there. You're either with me, or you're on your own. I don't have time, nor do I want to make time, for those that have no ambition in life. If you're happy with where you're at, great. Just realize that there's always room for improvement.
You can't help people that don't know they're broken.
You can't break people that are strong.
You can't break people that are strong.
Computers in Heaven?
Jon, I miss you. I don't know if you can read this. I'm not quite sure how technology works on the "other side". It's been a year and a half and theres not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. I could use you lately. I need a 'brotherly' figure. Someone with a truly un-biased opinion on many diferent things going on in my life. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me, so I guess this is only fair play, but while we're having this heart to heart, let me get some things off my chest that I've been holding in for a while.
I was pissed as hell that you let Phil take you away from me when I was just a child. Our parents were going through a divorce and rather than being by the side of your little sister who would sit in her room covering her ears while mom & dad were screaming in the next room, you were out getting high as shit.
I can't even describe what I was when I came to see you at your apartment and I found you surrounded in a pool of blood.
I was scared as hell when I came to see you in jail. I don't think you realize how much it took for me to come see you like that, not to mention I was the ONLY one from the family that came to see you. Everytime I came to see you, I left there in tears. Don't believe me? Ask Bryan. He was with me everytime. Hell, if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have been able to make it through your funeral, but I'm sure you saw that from wherever you were.
Watching your downward spiral the past few years/months of your life were extremely painful. I think I was the only one who honestly believed that you would turn your life around and become the famous musician you were meant to be. I really don't know why I believed it though, because we all saw what happened everytime an opportunity to get back on track was presented to you. Call it hopelessly dreaming, or maybe call it ignorance. I thought that maybe, just maybe if I was a good enough little sister and gave you all the support you could possibly need you would see that someone HONESTLY believed in you and somehow it would spark something in that fucked up brain of yours that "hey, I don't need these drugs or this liquor to complete my life. I have someone that looks up to me!" That being said, I'm sorry I wasn't everything you needed. I'm sorry I let you down and I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me the most.
Even though it's only 20 degrees outside, I still sit outside at night and stare up at the sky and wonder which direction you're looking down on me from.
I was pissed as hell that you let Phil take you away from me when I was just a child. Our parents were going through a divorce and rather than being by the side of your little sister who would sit in her room covering her ears while mom & dad were screaming in the next room, you were out getting high as shit.
I can't even describe what I was when I came to see you at your apartment and I found you surrounded in a pool of blood.
I was scared as hell when I came to see you in jail. I don't think you realize how much it took for me to come see you like that, not to mention I was the ONLY one from the family that came to see you. Everytime I came to see you, I left there in tears. Don't believe me? Ask Bryan. He was with me everytime. Hell, if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have been able to make it through your funeral, but I'm sure you saw that from wherever you were.
Watching your downward spiral the past few years/months of your life were extremely painful. I think I was the only one who honestly believed that you would turn your life around and become the famous musician you were meant to be. I really don't know why I believed it though, because we all saw what happened everytime an opportunity to get back on track was presented to you. Call it hopelessly dreaming, or maybe call it ignorance. I thought that maybe, just maybe if I was a good enough little sister and gave you all the support you could possibly need you would see that someone HONESTLY believed in you and somehow it would spark something in that fucked up brain of yours that "hey, I don't need these drugs or this liquor to complete my life. I have someone that looks up to me!" That being said, I'm sorry I wasn't everything you needed. I'm sorry I let you down and I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me the most.
Even though it's only 20 degrees outside, I still sit outside at night and stare up at the sky and wonder which direction you're looking down on me from.
Feelings and Thoughts of a Drugged Woman
Right about now I feel like I don't understand anything. Partly because I'm drugged the fuck up, partly just because life confuses me.
"Good things come to those who wait"
"Good things happen to good people"
What am I missing here? Am I not good enough? Oh wait, I know the answer to that one... NO! I don't get it. I'm nice to those who aren't nice to me, I care about everyone, I go out of my way to help those that I can without expecting anything in return, and I get shit on everytime? Can someone clue me in? I'd appreciate it. I don't think this makes any sense, but you know what? I don't care. Fuck you too. Bite me, and then turn around and kiss my ass. Thats what you do every fucking time. Push me away, then pull me close. Listen to me, make up your mind, because soon I'm going to make it up for you. I don't deserve this... at least I don't think I do? Why does it always happen that when I think someone is different, they turn out to be all alike? This isn't just aimed at men, no, this is at women too. Thats right, every god damned last one of you. You all say "Oh I won't hurt you, I won't cheat on you, I won't leave you, I'm the best girlfriend ever, blah blah blah". If you were that good, you wouldn't be single. Hell, I can classify myself in that, but I don't claim to be the best girlfriend. I know I have my flaws, and I'm pretty straight forward with them. I work on myself to improve them, and thats my own doing. Then you have these girls who have a good thing, but are too impatient to see how things play out so they go in search of something better, leaving the one that cared about them with a broken heart.
Now, men, do I even want to go there? Oh yes, yes I do. YOU GUYS SUCK! You suck as much as us women do. It's kinda like the chicken and the egg question. We all know one of them had to come first, but how can we ever really prove which one did? In the same regard, are men the way they are because of women? Or are women the way they are because of men? Irregardless, theres something we all need to learn. RESPECT! Sing it with me now, R-E-S-P-E-C-T! Find out what it means to me! Thats right, you respect me, and I'll respect you, and we won't have these petty fucking arguments. I don't understand the people that can get upset and just turn and walk away without saying anything. My father is like that. It irritates the fuck out of me. I'm the type of person that needs to talk about shit. Blame that on my mother. Although I guess it's a pretty big double standard... if I'm upset I don't like to talk about it (at least not to the person I'm upset with if there is someone), but I automatically assume that if anyone else is upset they should talk to me about their issues. I'm gonna have to work on that. See? Being drugged up is good. It helps me realize stuff.
I'm going to end my rant for now, but there may be a part deux later. Let me just say this: shit I forgot what I was going to say.
"Good things come to those who wait"
"Good things happen to good people"
What am I missing here? Am I not good enough? Oh wait, I know the answer to that one... NO! I don't get it. I'm nice to those who aren't nice to me, I care about everyone, I go out of my way to help those that I can without expecting anything in return, and I get shit on everytime? Can someone clue me in? I'd appreciate it. I don't think this makes any sense, but you know what? I don't care. Fuck you too. Bite me, and then turn around and kiss my ass. Thats what you do every fucking time. Push me away, then pull me close. Listen to me, make up your mind, because soon I'm going to make it up for you. I don't deserve this... at least I don't think I do? Why does it always happen that when I think someone is different, they turn out to be all alike? This isn't just aimed at men, no, this is at women too. Thats right, every god damned last one of you. You all say "Oh I won't hurt you, I won't cheat on you, I won't leave you, I'm the best girlfriend ever, blah blah blah". If you were that good, you wouldn't be single. Hell, I can classify myself in that, but I don't claim to be the best girlfriend. I know I have my flaws, and I'm pretty straight forward with them. I work on myself to improve them, and thats my own doing. Then you have these girls who have a good thing, but are too impatient to see how things play out so they go in search of something better, leaving the one that cared about them with a broken heart.
Now, men, do I even want to go there? Oh yes, yes I do. YOU GUYS SUCK! You suck as much as us women do. It's kinda like the chicken and the egg question. We all know one of them had to come first, but how can we ever really prove which one did? In the same regard, are men the way they are because of women? Or are women the way they are because of men? Irregardless, theres something we all need to learn. RESPECT! Sing it with me now, R-E-S-P-E-C-T! Find out what it means to me! Thats right, you respect me, and I'll respect you, and we won't have these petty fucking arguments. I don't understand the people that can get upset and just turn and walk away without saying anything. My father is like that. It irritates the fuck out of me. I'm the type of person that needs to talk about shit. Blame that on my mother. Although I guess it's a pretty big double standard... if I'm upset I don't like to talk about it (at least not to the person I'm upset with if there is someone), but I automatically assume that if anyone else is upset they should talk to me about their issues. I'm gonna have to work on that. See? Being drugged up is good. It helps me realize stuff.
I'm going to end my rant for now, but there may be a part deux later. Let me just say this: shit I forgot what I was going to say.
I (2006)
I give too much, I need to learn how to take... before it kills me.
I once thought that if I was what everyone expected me to be, that I would be loved.
I was wrong... way wrong.
I care too much, think too much, and worry too much over things... and people, who don't do any of it for me.
I used to be able to explain myself, my thoughts, and my feelings. Lately I'm at a loss for words.
I'm thankful for the friends I have. They mean the world to me.
I wish I could give my life in order to give my brother his back.
I wish people actually understood me, and not just pretended to.
I want someone to hug, someone to talk to, someone to care about, and someone to do those things to me.
I don't think I'm going to find it... at least not here.
I'm not self-centered
I'm not stuck up
I won't bitch at you for not calling me when you said you would.
I might get upset over it though, but I try not to let it show.
Hell, I won't bitch at you period unless it's joking.
I'm sorry if those are things you look for in someone.
I give 110% of myself, and I have nothing left for me.
I think it's time to cut more negativity from my life.
I shouldn't be feeling like this.
Not right now.
Not ever.
I have no real reason.
I am me.... and I'm sorry thats so bad.
I once thought that if I was what everyone expected me to be, that I would be loved.
I was wrong... way wrong.
I care too much, think too much, and worry too much over things... and people, who don't do any of it for me.
I used to be able to explain myself, my thoughts, and my feelings. Lately I'm at a loss for words.
I'm thankful for the friends I have. They mean the world to me.
I wish I could give my life in order to give my brother his back.
I wish people actually understood me, and not just pretended to.
I want someone to hug, someone to talk to, someone to care about, and someone to do those things to me.
I don't think I'm going to find it... at least not here.
I'm not self-centered
I'm not stuck up
I won't bitch at you for not calling me when you said you would.
I might get upset over it though, but I try not to let it show.
Hell, I won't bitch at you period unless it's joking.
I'm sorry if those are things you look for in someone.
I give 110% of myself, and I have nothing left for me.
I think it's time to cut more negativity from my life.
I shouldn't be feeling like this.
Not right now.
Not ever.
I have no real reason.
I am me.... and I'm sorry thats so bad.
Amazed :o)
I am who I feel rather than who I create. Be what you feel, not what you create.
I love to see couples. It gives my heart a little jump and maybe a tiny jolt of jealousy, but moreover I love to know that my life isn't all about me. I live my life in the open, I'm a part of everything going on and everything is a part of me. We all do. Don't be so selfish to think that you are the only thing important going on in your life. I love to see someone in love, in a weird way it kinda makes me feel a little connected to that person-like we both know that amazing feeling, so we have this great understanding of each others hearts, even though they have no idea I've felt it.
Despite everything I've been through in the past 5 years, I feel amazing. Despite the watery eyes I got today in my car, I felt alive. "You bleed just to know you're alive". Yea it sucks, I hate hurting, but you feel alive and you know that if you can feel this excruciating pain that extreme happiness is coming.
In the meantime I get to experience all these things I overlooked. Make all these friendships I was too lazy and too mentally occupied to make before. I laugh harder I stretch wider I breathe deeper and I smile stronger. Guys, when you get a woman, you love her. You tell her you love her every fucking day, you show her she means the world to you, and you rest your head on her lap when you need her. Make her feel like a woman, make her feel like she's beautiful and strong and that you need her. don't be afraid to be vulnerable to her, she'll understand how much you love her to open up that wide and she'll hold your head and kiss your forehead and tell you how amazing your eyes are. When you get love, I beg of you, hang onto it. Do everything in your power to keep it. Fight for her. One day you are going to realize that something that amazing doesn't just come so easy. One day you are going to think back on how you felt and wish you had been that for her. Guys, I'm telling you, open your heart, if she's forever, she'll be there.
Things I Missed in 2006 (most of which, I still do!)
My brother
Catching fireflies in the summer, keeping them in a jar in my room over night and then wondering why they aren't glowing in the morning
Maine
Living on a farm in the middle of no-where
Staying up late with my brother watching Bugs & Daffy on Cartoon Network and eating popcorn
Waking up early to watch the Thanksgiving/Christmas Day Parade
Having someone care about me
Having someone to care about
Having family that cared
Having a mother
College
My Fiero & my Cavalier
Childhood innocence
When "dating" someone meant being boyfriend/girlfriend
Not having to worry about if my bra & panties match (who am I kidding, I still don't care)
Sitting on the porch during a lightning storm
Swimming in the pool until all hours of the night, lit only by candlelight
The creek that ran through the back yard
My swingset
My treehouse that was never finished
Being afraid to go into the woods because my brother told me there was a bear back there with his head chopped off
The stake in the ground in the middle of the woods that we used to pretend was the steering mechanism for a spaceship
Being allowed to be creative
Chasing my dog through the yard until I caught him and we'd both fall into the mud
When a kiss actually meant something
Living on my own
Potato soup out of a crock bowl when I was sick (I still have the bowls...)
Playing Atari & Colecovision
Not having to pluck my eyebrows
When it was okay to wear tye-dye
Walking the Marginal way with my brothers
My best friend from grade school
Recess
When Halloween didn't consist of 14 year old girls dressed up as sluts
Believing in Santa Claus
My first dog, Rastis
Saturday morning cartoons (when they were still good)
When waking up early meant 8am
When sleeping in meant noon
Riding the merry-go-round at the carnival
Thinking I could fly
Thinking I was invincible
The German Sheppard that used to run through the corn fields to come visit me from 3 houses down the street
Not having to shave my legs
Wondering what it would be like to be a grown up
Catching fireflies in the summer, keeping them in a jar in my room over night and then wondering why they aren't glowing in the morning
Maine
Living on a farm in the middle of no-where
Staying up late with my brother watching Bugs & Daffy on Cartoon Network and eating popcorn
Waking up early to watch the Thanksgiving/Christmas Day Parade
Having someone care about me
Having someone to care about
Having family that cared
Having a mother
College
My Fiero & my Cavalier
Childhood innocence
When "dating" someone meant being boyfriend/girlfriend
Not having to worry about if my bra & panties match (who am I kidding, I still don't care)
Sitting on the porch during a lightning storm
Swimming in the pool until all hours of the night, lit only by candlelight
The creek that ran through the back yard
My swingset
My treehouse that was never finished
Being afraid to go into the woods because my brother told me there was a bear back there with his head chopped off
The stake in the ground in the middle of the woods that we used to pretend was the steering mechanism for a spaceship
Being allowed to be creative
Chasing my dog through the yard until I caught him and we'd both fall into the mud
When a kiss actually meant something
Living on my own
Potato soup out of a crock bowl when I was sick (I still have the bowls...)
Playing Atari & Colecovision
Not having to pluck my eyebrows
When it was okay to wear tye-dye
Walking the Marginal way with my brothers
My best friend from grade school
Recess
When Halloween didn't consist of 14 year old girls dressed up as sluts
Believing in Santa Claus
My first dog, Rastis
Saturday morning cartoons (when they were still good)
When waking up early meant 8am
When sleeping in meant noon
Riding the merry-go-round at the carnival
Thinking I could fly
Thinking I was invincible
The German Sheppard that used to run through the corn fields to come visit me from 3 houses down the street
Not having to shave my legs
Wondering what it would be like to be a grown up
These are the days that make up life
Isn't it ironic that sometimes the thing that gets us into a bad situation is also the only thing that can get us out of the same bad situation?
When it comes down to it, who's life is most important?
Would you really do anything for your friends and/or family? When it comes time to prove it, will you be able to follow through?
Would you sacrifice yourself for someone else?
How do you sleep at night when you know that someone out there is guilty, and running free... and all you can think of is revenge?
What's more important - LIFE or MORALS?
Without life, there's no need for morals...
Without morals, what good is life?
When it comes down to it, who's life is most important?
Would you really do anything for your friends and/or family? When it comes time to prove it, will you be able to follow through?
Would you sacrifice yourself for someone else?
How do you sleep at night when you know that someone out there is guilty, and running free... and all you can think of is revenge?
What's more important - LIFE or MORALS?
Without life, there's no need for morals...
Without morals, what good is life?
2006 Realizations
I almost always take things the wrong way. If it's meant to be a compliment, I'll make it negative and vice-versa
I tend to twist things to suit my mood
My mood is often set by those around me... or the weather
I'm a bit too stubborn for my own good
I'm always going to be 'that girl'. Ya know, the one that everyone comments "oh she's so nice, how is she single?" yet no one will ever take the time to truly get to know or date
The guys that end up liking me are the ones that have a negative influence on me. Because of that, I tend to be wary of anyone who shows true interest
Problem with that, is that the guys that I like don't ever like me back... and I end up hurt in the end, everytime
I put myself out on the line for my friends and expect nothing in return, yet I'm hurt when I get nothing anyway
I get hurt too easily
I rarely accept help from others because I feel as if I don't deserve it. I can't tell you why, I just don't
All too often in my past I let others define my self-worth. Deep down I know I'm worth a lot more than anyone else realizes
How many times will I get burned before the fire finally goes out?
I tend to twist things to suit my mood
My mood is often set by those around me... or the weather
I'm a bit too stubborn for my own good
I'm always going to be 'that girl'. Ya know, the one that everyone comments "oh she's so nice, how is she single?" yet no one will ever take the time to truly get to know or date
The guys that end up liking me are the ones that have a negative influence on me. Because of that, I tend to be wary of anyone who shows true interest
Problem with that, is that the guys that I like don't ever like me back... and I end up hurt in the end, everytime
I put myself out on the line for my friends and expect nothing in return, yet I'm hurt when I get nothing anyway
I get hurt too easily
I rarely accept help from others because I feel as if I don't deserve it. I can't tell you why, I just don't
All too often in my past I let others define my self-worth. Deep down I know I'm worth a lot more than anyone else realizes
How many times will I get burned before the fire finally goes out?
To My Friends
Have you ever wondered which hurts the most? Saying something and wishing you hadn't? Or saying nothing and wishing you had? I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say. Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them. Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too much... for fear that the other person does not care as much, or even at all. Thats my biggest problem, yet those of you that know me know that I continually put myself out there day after day. Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle? We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger. Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have done, or could have had. What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt? People live, but people also die.
So, I just wanted to say, even if I never talk to you again in my life, you are special to me and you have made a difference in my life. I look up to you, I respect you, and I truly cherish you.
The Star Fish
The Star Fish Story
Once a man was walking along a beach. The sun was shining and it was a beautiful day. Off in the distance he could see a person going back and forth between the surf's edge and and the beach. Back and forth this person went. As the man approached he could see that there were hundreds of starfish stranded on the sand as the result of the natural action of the tide.The man was stuck by the the apparent futility of the task. There were far too many starfish. Many of them were sure to perish. As he approached the person continued the task of picking up starfish one by one and throwing them into the surf.
As he came up to the person he said, "You must be crazy. There are thousands of miles of beach covered with starfish. You can't possibly make a difference." The person looked at the man. He then stooped down and pick up one more starfish and threw it back into the ocean. He turned back to the man and said, "It sure made a difference to that one!"
This is how I want to live my life. I want to know that I've made a difference to those around me. I extend my hand out to anyone if they need my help. I know that I've made a difference to those that I'm in constant contact with, and I know that they've made a difference in me. I'm proud of the woman I've turned into, and I look forward to the woman I have yet to become.=)
Mountain Dreamer
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your hearts longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you're telling me is true.
I want to know if you can be true to yourself; if can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty out everyday, and if you can source the presence of your life from the gods, the earth and the universe.
I want to know if you can live with failure and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon "Yes"!
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done.
It doesn't interest me who you are, or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
I have sent you my invitation
The note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living
Don't jump up and shout, "Yes, this is what I want! Let's do it!"
Just stand up quietly and dance with me
Show me how you follow your deepest desires
Spiralling down into the ache within the ache
And I will show you how I reach inward and open outward
To feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, everyday
Don't tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart.
Show me how you turn away from making another wrong
Without abandoning yourself when you are hurt
And afraid of being unloved
Tell me a story of who you are
And see who I am in the stories I am living
And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice
Don't tell me how wonderful things will be... some day
Show me you can risk being completely at peace
Truly OK with the way things are right now in this moment
And again in the next and the next and the next...
I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring
Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall
The place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will
What carries you to the other side of that wall
To the fragile beauty of your own humanness?
After we have shown each other how we have set and kept the clear, healthy boundaries that help us live side by side with each other
Let us risk remembering that we never stop silently loving those we once loved out loud
Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance
The places where you can risk letting the world break your heart.
And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again
Show me how you take care of business
Without letting business determine who you are
When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us shout that the soul's desires have too high a price
Let us remind each other that it is never about the money
Show me how you offer to your people and the world the stories and the songs you want our children's children to remember
And I will show you how I struggle
Not to change the world, but to love it
Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude
Knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging
Dance with me in the silence and in the sound of small daily words
Holding neither against me at the end of the day
And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest intentions has died away on the wind
Dance with me in the infinite pause before the next great inhale of the breath that is breathing us all into being
Not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within
Don't say "Yes!"
Just take my hand and dance with me
I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your hearts longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you're telling me is true.
I want to know if you can be true to yourself; if can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty out everyday, and if you can source the presence of your life from the gods, the earth and the universe.
I want to know if you can live with failure and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon "Yes"!
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done.
It doesn't interest me who you are, or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
I have sent you my invitation
The note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living
Don't jump up and shout, "Yes, this is what I want! Let's do it!"
Just stand up quietly and dance with me
Show me how you follow your deepest desires
Spiralling down into the ache within the ache
And I will show you how I reach inward and open outward
To feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, everyday
Don't tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart.
Show me how you turn away from making another wrong
Without abandoning yourself when you are hurt
And afraid of being unloved
Tell me a story of who you are
And see who I am in the stories I am living
And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice
Don't tell me how wonderful things will be... some day
Show me you can risk being completely at peace
Truly OK with the way things are right now in this moment
And again in the next and the next and the next...
I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring
Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall
The place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will
What carries you to the other side of that wall
To the fragile beauty of your own humanness?
After we have shown each other how we have set and kept the clear, healthy boundaries that help us live side by side with each other
Let us risk remembering that we never stop silently loving those we once loved out loud
Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance
The places where you can risk letting the world break your heart.
And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again
Show me how you take care of business
Without letting business determine who you are
When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us shout that the soul's desires have too high a price
Let us remind each other that it is never about the money
Show me how you offer to your people and the world the stories and the songs you want our children's children to remember
And I will show you how I struggle
Not to change the world, but to love it
Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude
Knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging
Dance with me in the silence and in the sound of small daily words
Holding neither against me at the end of the day
And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest intentions has died away on the wind
Dance with me in the infinite pause before the next great inhale of the breath that is breathing us all into being
Not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within
Don't say "Yes!"
Just take my hand and dance with me
Fighting
You'll need to tackle me to the ground
To get this pill bottle out of my grasp
Tie me up
Hold me down
Don't let me get me
The pain I feel is so fresh
So dull, but it stings
Slice open the soft flesh of my stomach
I need to feel the blood
Let the anguish dribble from the open wound
Coating the sheets with the crimson flow
My suffering out for the world to see
This isn't how things were supposed to be
You'll need to tackle me to the ground
To get that dream out of my mind
Tie me up
Hold me down
Don't let me sleep
I'm not as able as you think I am
I'm afraid just like you
Some of my greatest fears
Are my most awakening realities
That which I cannot control
Spins wildly to the depths of my soul
The only way I can cry out is subconciously
By then it's already too late
You'll need to tackle me to the ground
To get me to see things without a shadow
Tie me up
Hold me down
Don't let me extinguish the flame
My demons hover above me
When I turn out the light and close my eyes
In the faint glow of the moons shimmer
I see them
I feel them watching
I hear them taunting
All the while fighting
Of who will have me first
You'll need to tackle me to the ground
To get me to realize
Tie me up
Hold me down
Don't let me die alone
To get this pill bottle out of my grasp
Tie me up
Hold me down
Don't let me get me
The pain I feel is so fresh
So dull, but it stings
Slice open the soft flesh of my stomach
I need to feel the blood
Let the anguish dribble from the open wound
Coating the sheets with the crimson flow
My suffering out for the world to see
This isn't how things were supposed to be
You'll need to tackle me to the ground
To get that dream out of my mind
Tie me up
Hold me down
Don't let me sleep
I'm not as able as you think I am
I'm afraid just like you
Some of my greatest fears
Are my most awakening realities
That which I cannot control
Spins wildly to the depths of my soul
The only way I can cry out is subconciously
By then it's already too late
You'll need to tackle me to the ground
To get me to see things without a shadow
Tie me up
Hold me down
Don't let me extinguish the flame
My demons hover above me
When I turn out the light and close my eyes
In the faint glow of the moons shimmer
I see them
I feel them watching
I hear them taunting
All the while fighting
Of who will have me first
You'll need to tackle me to the ground
To get me to realize
Tie me up
Hold me down
Don't let me die alone
2005 Confessions
Some of these still ring true...
As part of my moving on and letting go...I have a few confessions to make...so I can leave the past behind and start over...
As part of my moving on and letting go...I have a few confessions to make...so I can leave the past behind and start over...
I’m coming clean...
I cry myself to sleep sometimes.
I have a few "dirty little secrets".
I think I should have went down to Texas when I had the chance, but I was scared.
I had someone in my life- that had been my "rock". He’s held me while I cried, so many times. Watched me laugh. Watched me grow. Lectured me. Taught me. Held my hair back when I drank to much. He’s seen me naked. He’s picked me up when I’ve fallen, emotionally and physically. He’s unconditional. And I miss him. And I’m scared for him. He is changing into something and I don't think he sees it. And I feel helpless because there is nothing I can do about it. He has helped me so many times and I can’t help him. I’ve tried, more then once. I’ve realized this isn’t my battle to fight anymore- and I feel, in some way, I’m giving up on him. And that hurts.
My flirty personality is really starting to annoy me.
At the end of the day, I still feel alone.
I’m scared to death of dying alone.
For the last five years, my life has been a mess. I’ve had good times, and good laughs but in general, I haven’t been happy- I think I deserve a break...and soon.
I have issues. Who doesn’t?
I have a lot of guy friends. Some are true friends. Others would do anything to get down my pants- and they aren’t true friends- and I’m about ready to get them out of my life.
I’ve been looking at houses and jobs in Maine and I want to move back. But, I don’t know if I can leave my friends. I’m completly torn between what I want and what I think I need to do.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and people take advantage of that.
I trusted someone and I got burnt- and that pisses me off.
I do think I need to get away from here- and the people around here- 99% of the time.
I believe everything happens for a reason. I just would really love to know what those reasons are.
Get over yourself, because you really aren’t that special. You said the right things, at the right time and fooled a lot of people- grow up because there isn’t always going to be someone there to bail you out, take care of you, or listen to you.
You may think I have my life together- but I don’t.
This smile, it’s fake. I’m not that happy.
I’m losing faith in love. I don’t believe in "the one" anymore. Maybe I never really did.
I think, sometimes, I use alcohol as an escape. I have to stop.
Marriage, I am begining to think, is way over rated.
My job and lifestyle is burning me out.
I do feel lucky because I have so many friends- but, there are only a few I can really trust. Only a few, that really know ME.
I’m tired of the bar scene. But, around here, when you’re single- there’s not much else to do. And I’m sure as hell not going to sit home all the time.
I need a vacation.
I blow to much money on booze. And gas.
I need to have a sit down, face to face conversation with a certain someone, for a lot of reasons, but he doesn’t have the time. And, maybe it’s better that way. I just have so many un-answered questions. Maybe they are better un-answered.
Fake people are really starting to annoy me. There’s to many of them. Don’t be nice to me, if you don’t like me. Or because you want to get down my pants- it’s not going to happen anyways.
This town is full of drunks and dead beats and infidelity. And everyone turns the other way, like there’s nothing wrong with it.
Everyone was right. You weren't good for me
It bothers me that you hit on my friends, behind my back, and thought all along I was doing something wrong. (You know who you are)
You really don’t need to keep lying to impress people, in the long run, you just come out looking like an ass- and nothing more. Find yourself, be yourself, and you’ll be much better off.
I’m not perfect, I’ve made mistakes- at least I can admit to them, and not act like I’m better then everyone else–
I did love you. But it was all based on lies. So I guess it wasn’t really love at all.
I know things that you don’t even know I know. And I like it that way.
I should have known better.
People want to kick your ass- I’ve told them it isn’t worth it.
I’m afraid of heights.
I’m afraid of being alone.
I’m a bitch sometimes and I really don’t mind being that way.
If you don’t want the truth, don’t ask me. I don’t bullshit when it comes to advice.
I hate thinking. I think to much.
What I Want
I want someone who will accept me the way I am, crazy and off camber
I want someone who will let me be myself
I want someone who will let me love them with all that I am
I want someone who feels comfortable around me
I want someone who I feel complete wtih, and who feels complete with me
I want someone who will let me have my own life with my friends, but also let me share my life with him
I want someone who will have his own life with HIS friends, but will also share his life with me
I want someone who can lay next to me at night and do nothing but cuddle and wake up feeling better than sex in the morning
I want someone who will force me to try new things (to a certain degree) such as dancing, or a new drink, or doing karaoke
I want someone who will understand, or at least try to, no matter what the situation may be
I want someone who will let me be myself
I want someone who will let me love them with all that I am
I want someone who feels comfortable around me
I want someone who I feel complete wtih, and who feels complete with me
I want someone who will let me have my own life with my friends, but also let me share my life with him
I want someone who will have his own life with HIS friends, but will also share his life with me
I want someone who can lay next to me at night and do nothing but cuddle and wake up feeling better than sex in the morning
I want someone who will force me to try new things (to a certain degree) such as dancing, or a new drink, or doing karaoke
I want someone who will understand, or at least try to, no matter what the situation may be
I know there's no such thing as perfect, but there is such a thing as perfect for me.
And I've found him :o)
And I've found him :o)
Life Lessons from 2005
1. It's not whether you win or lose, it's how much redbull and vodka you drink
2. Apparently, the more redbull and vodka you drink, the better you shoot pool
3. Never go to a hole in the wall diner at 3am for breakfast. You'll get served by an old decrepit woman who should be lying on her death bed instead of serving and coughing all over your food
4. Even with going to bed at 4am, you can still get up at 11am and make a 5 1/2 hour drive down the beltway
5. No matter how good you think you may be at falling, your opinion will change when you miscalculate and totally pop your shoulder out of socket and need someone else to pop it back in for you
6. Apparently, I'm a better dancer than I thought I was
7. Infact, apparently I'm a pretty damn good dancer
8. Only problem is, I need alcohol to get me to loosen up enough to dance
9. You can go to bed at 3am and get up at 8am and make a 4 1/2 hour drive home
10. No matter how much of a problem someone has, they always blame it on someone else
11. I can control my temper.... sometimes...
12. Bean dip is NOT only refried beans
13. At 10:00 at night after having Friendly's Ice Cream, bean dip is a really funny word
14. Also at 10:00 at night after having Friendly's Ice Cream, it's cool to walk around Walmart with those "Baseball Cap Cleaners" on your head
15. ALSO at 10:00 at night after having Friendly's Ice Cream, the word Salsa gets stuck in your head and you dance around singing the end of the D12 song - My Band
16. The Rocky Horror Picture Show with a live cast doesn't need to be played by the appropriate sexes. Only Brad, Dr. Scott, and Eddie need to be played by men. All the others (Including Frankfurter and Rocky) can be played by big fat disgusting women
17. You can go to bed at 12:30 at night and get up at 5:30 and still be fully functioning for work on Monday even after losing a lot of sleep the previous weekend
18. No matter how small your dog may be, he still makes a great living heater for the nights when your window is broken and its FREEZING in your room.
19. Somehow, it's okay for a man to tell his life partner that she doesn't know how to be a wife, even though he's the one neglecting his marital "duties"
2. Apparently, the more redbull and vodka you drink, the better you shoot pool
3. Never go to a hole in the wall diner at 3am for breakfast. You'll get served by an old decrepit woman who should be lying on her death bed instead of serving and coughing all over your food
4. Even with going to bed at 4am, you can still get up at 11am and make a 5 1/2 hour drive down the beltway
5. No matter how good you think you may be at falling, your opinion will change when you miscalculate and totally pop your shoulder out of socket and need someone else to pop it back in for you
6. Apparently, I'm a better dancer than I thought I was
7. Infact, apparently I'm a pretty damn good dancer
8. Only problem is, I need alcohol to get me to loosen up enough to dance
9. You can go to bed at 3am and get up at 8am and make a 4 1/2 hour drive home
10. No matter how much of a problem someone has, they always blame it on someone else
11. I can control my temper.... sometimes...
12. Bean dip is NOT only refried beans
13. At 10:00 at night after having Friendly's Ice Cream, bean dip is a really funny word
14. Also at 10:00 at night after having Friendly's Ice Cream, it's cool to walk around Walmart with those "Baseball Cap Cleaners" on your head
15. ALSO at 10:00 at night after having Friendly's Ice Cream, the word Salsa gets stuck in your head and you dance around singing the end of the D12 song - My Band
16. The Rocky Horror Picture Show with a live cast doesn't need to be played by the appropriate sexes. Only Brad, Dr. Scott, and Eddie need to be played by men. All the others (Including Frankfurter and Rocky) can be played by big fat disgusting women
17. You can go to bed at 12:30 at night and get up at 5:30 and still be fully functioning for work on Monday even after losing a lot of sleep the previous weekend
18. No matter how small your dog may be, he still makes a great living heater for the nights when your window is broken and its FREEZING in your room.
19. Somehow, it's okay for a man to tell his life partner that she doesn't know how to be a wife, even though he's the one neglecting his marital "duties"
Knives
Take these knives out of my back
The ones you so recklessly placed
I don't deserve them, take them back
I don't deserve to be treated like this
The lacerations are searing with pain
You expect me to turn a blind eye
To ignore the agonizing sensation I feel in my soul
I can't dismiss it anymore
I'm burning up from the inside
Everything is degenerated and perishing
Right before your eyes
Can't you see the despondency and bitterness?
Can't you feel the heartache?
Why do you neglect the anguish you've caused me
And continue to inflict more damage
Soon you shall realize what an impact you've had on me
Your imprint will always be elicited in my subconscious
The ones you so recklessly placed
I don't deserve them, take them back
I don't deserve to be treated like this
The lacerations are searing with pain
You expect me to turn a blind eye
To ignore the agonizing sensation I feel in my soul
I can't dismiss it anymore
I'm burning up from the inside
Everything is degenerated and perishing
Right before your eyes
Can't you see the despondency and bitterness?
Can't you feel the heartache?
Why do you neglect the anguish you've caused me
And continue to inflict more damage
Soon you shall realize what an impact you've had on me
Your imprint will always be elicited in my subconscious
Goodbye
You made me happy
You made me complete
You were there for me when I needed you
You cared for me
You led me to believe that there were good things for me in life
Now my eyes are open
I can be happy without you, although you do still make me happy on occasion
I can be complete without you in my life, as hard as that may be at times
I will never "need" you or anyone else again
I was stupid for believing you ever cared
I know there are better things for me than what you told me
The tables have turned
You don't make me happy
You try to break away parts of me to make me incomplete
You try to make me still need you
You make me feel like you dont care
You make me feel worthless
But yet I know
I have a right to be happy
I may not be complete, but at least I'm whole in WHO I am
I don't want to need you
I don't want to love you
I am worth so much more
I deserve so much better
When will you realize what you have done
When will you see the pain you've caused
When will you understand you have unleashed a self destructive side of me
When will you comprehend that the girl you are staring at is merely a shell of what I once used to be
Or of what I have the possibility of becoming
I know I don't deserve this
I still care about you
I still care about what you think
I still care about what you say
Why can't I let go
I need to be able to walk away and say
Goodbye
You made me complete
You were there for me when I needed you
You cared for me
You led me to believe that there were good things for me in life
Now my eyes are open
I can be happy without you, although you do still make me happy on occasion
I can be complete without you in my life, as hard as that may be at times
I will never "need" you or anyone else again
I was stupid for believing you ever cared
I know there are better things for me than what you told me
The tables have turned
You don't make me happy
You try to break away parts of me to make me incomplete
You try to make me still need you
You make me feel like you dont care
You make me feel worthless
But yet I know
I have a right to be happy
I may not be complete, but at least I'm whole in WHO I am
I don't want to need you
I don't want to love you
I am worth so much more
I deserve so much better
When will you realize what you have done
When will you see the pain you've caused
When will you understand you have unleashed a self destructive side of me
When will you comprehend that the girl you are staring at is merely a shell of what I once used to be
Or of what I have the possibility of becoming
I know I don't deserve this
I still care about you
I still care about what you think
I still care about what you say
Why can't I let go
I need to be able to walk away and say
Goodbye
Realizations & Questions
I've done a lot of soul searching lately, and I've come up with a lot of answers which have been painful, but needing to be realized.
¤I've realized that I'm much harder on myself than I need to be.
¤I've realized that I self defeat myself before I even get started, which inturn makes everything I do meaningless.
¤I've realized that intent IS everything.
¤I've realized that the few close friends I have, I can count on to be there for me no matter what.
¤I've realized that no matter how much I want a magic wand to make my life easier, I have to go through these challenges to continue to grow into the woman I'm meant to be.
¤I've realized that just because I care for someone doesn't mean they have to care about me.
¤I've realized that there ARE a few things in this life that will truly make someone happy, no matter what the circumstance may be.
¤I've realized that just because I hate something or someone, doesn't mean everyone else has to too. Same goes for if I love something or someone.
¤I realized that no one has to see things my way, or even accept the fact that I see something the way I do, but that if they try to force their opinion on me, that isn't someone I want to around, no matter who it is or what it's about.
¤I realized that when you love someone and you feel that pain in your heart when that person is upset, is when you know it's true.
¤I've realized that I don't need sex, or to be in a relationship. Infact, to be in one right now wouldn't be healthy for me... How am I supposed to give myself to someone if I don't even know who I am?
¤I realized karma is 100rue, and if you haven't seen it first hand yet, keep your eyes open.
¤I realized we are free at every moment in life, but we don't know what to do with the freedom.
¤I realized life is short and not to be sorry for your feelings, because then you're not being true to yourself.
¤I realized that no matter how many times you tell someone you love them, you still have the rest of your life to prove it to them.
¤I realized that you can't expect anything from anyone but yourself.
¤I realized that people change, and their opinions, and its not healthy to hold a grudge against them.
¤I realized that by lingering on the past or pondering your future, you're not making your present any better.
¤I realized that beauty is actually MORE than skin deep... beauty lies within the soul of the person.
¤I realized life will never be perfect, but that it's imperfections are what make it beautiful.
¤I realized that everything around us is a teacher. Learning, however, is optional.
¤I realized that everyday is a test to prove to the world what you're capable of.
¤I realized that a friend is somene you can be your true self with. You dont' have to pretend you like everything they do, nor do you have to apologize for your feelings or thoughts
Theres WAY more, but thats all I can think of right now... but with those realizations come to light a few questions...
°Everything happens for a reason, but will we ever find out what those reasons are? And by the time we do, will we care anymore?
°Everyone has a reason for what they do, but most people don't know what their reasons are. How can people live their life so in the dark?
°For the people who are my friends, why? What do you gain from me? And/Or what do you feel you're giving to me?
°For the people who aren't my friends, why not? What don't you like about me? And/Or what do you want from me that you're not getting? And/Or what did you try to give to me that I didn't accept?
°Why do you stick around, even through my rough times?
°Who in the world came up with abuse and why weren't they killed before it got out of hand like it is now?
°Why isn't there enough help in the world to make sure that the people who need to be cared for, are?
°Why is it that no matter how many friends and loved ones you have, no matter what you do, you're going to die alone? (Yes, I realize this is morbid, but unfortunately true... you can't take friends and family with you when you go)
°Why do some people get pleasure out of causing other people pain? And why do those people in pain give the others the pleasure of seeing it?
Again, there's more, but that's just skimming the surface...
¤I've realized that I'm much harder on myself than I need to be.
¤I've realized that I self defeat myself before I even get started, which inturn makes everything I do meaningless.
¤I've realized that intent IS everything.
¤I've realized that the few close friends I have, I can count on to be there for me no matter what.
¤I've realized that no matter how much I want a magic wand to make my life easier, I have to go through these challenges to continue to grow into the woman I'm meant to be.
¤I've realized that just because I care for someone doesn't mean they have to care about me.
¤I've realized that there ARE a few things in this life that will truly make someone happy, no matter what the circumstance may be.
¤I've realized that just because I hate something or someone, doesn't mean everyone else has to too. Same goes for if I love something or someone.
¤I realized that no one has to see things my way, or even accept the fact that I see something the way I do, but that if they try to force their opinion on me, that isn't someone I want to around, no matter who it is or what it's about.
¤I realized that when you love someone and you feel that pain in your heart when that person is upset, is when you know it's true.
¤I've realized that I don't need sex, or to be in a relationship. Infact, to be in one right now wouldn't be healthy for me... How am I supposed to give myself to someone if I don't even know who I am?
¤I realized karma is 100rue, and if you haven't seen it first hand yet, keep your eyes open.
¤I realized we are free at every moment in life, but we don't know what to do with the freedom.
¤I realized life is short and not to be sorry for your feelings, because then you're not being true to yourself.
¤I realized that no matter how many times you tell someone you love them, you still have the rest of your life to prove it to them.
¤I realized that you can't expect anything from anyone but yourself.
¤I realized that people change, and their opinions, and its not healthy to hold a grudge against them.
¤I realized that by lingering on the past or pondering your future, you're not making your present any better.
¤I realized that beauty is actually MORE than skin deep... beauty lies within the soul of the person.
¤I realized life will never be perfect, but that it's imperfections are what make it beautiful.
¤I realized that everything around us is a teacher. Learning, however, is optional.
¤I realized that everyday is a test to prove to the world what you're capable of.
¤I realized that a friend is somene you can be your true self with. You dont' have to pretend you like everything they do, nor do you have to apologize for your feelings or thoughts
Theres WAY more, but thats all I can think of right now... but with those realizations come to light a few questions...
°Everything happens for a reason, but will we ever find out what those reasons are? And by the time we do, will we care anymore?
°Everyone has a reason for what they do, but most people don't know what their reasons are. How can people live their life so in the dark?
°For the people who are my friends, why? What do you gain from me? And/Or what do you feel you're giving to me?
°For the people who aren't my friends, why not? What don't you like about me? And/Or what do you want from me that you're not getting? And/Or what did you try to give to me that I didn't accept?
°Why do you stick around, even through my rough times?
°Who in the world came up with abuse and why weren't they killed before it got out of hand like it is now?
°Why isn't there enough help in the world to make sure that the people who need to be cared for, are?
°Why is it that no matter how many friends and loved ones you have, no matter what you do, you're going to die alone? (Yes, I realize this is morbid, but unfortunately true... you can't take friends and family with you when you go)
°Why do some people get pleasure out of causing other people pain? And why do those people in pain give the others the pleasure of seeing it?
Again, there's more, but that's just skimming the surface...
February 2, 2009
My Beliefs
I believe that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while, and you must forgive them for that.
I believe that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for love.
I believe that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I believe that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be... maybe a little too long...
I believe that you should always leave loved ones with kind words. It may be the last time you see them.
I believe that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I believe that a relationship needs to be based on some sort of mutual bond beyond the physical bond
I believe that money is a horrible way of keeping "score"
I believe that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I believe that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I believe that when I'm angry, sometimes I have the right to be, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I believe that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I believe that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned form them, and almost nothing to do with how many birthdays you've had
I believe that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself...
I believe that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your pain and greif, and neither should you for any prolonged amount of time
I believe that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I believe that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I believe that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I believe that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I believe that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I believe that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help. (Erin knows this one all too well...)
I believe that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I believe that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
I believe people need to stop trying to control everything and just let go
I believe that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for love.
I believe that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I believe that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be... maybe a little too long...
I believe that you should always leave loved ones with kind words. It may be the last time you see them.
I believe that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I believe that a relationship needs to be based on some sort of mutual bond beyond the physical bond
I believe that money is a horrible way of keeping "score"
I believe that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I believe that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I believe that when I'm angry, sometimes I have the right to be, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I believe that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I believe that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned form them, and almost nothing to do with how many birthdays you've had
I believe that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself...
I believe that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your pain and greif, and neither should you for any prolonged amount of time
I believe that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I believe that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I believe that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I believe that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I believe that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I believe that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help. (Erin knows this one all too well...)
I believe that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I believe that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
I believe people need to stop trying to control everything and just let go
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